Holiday Grief

There is so much pressure to make the holidays the most wonderful and magical time. While we feel the energy of the season, for some, our body remembers the pain from years past.  We drift into activities that are pain points and triggers such as songs, smells, and even nostalgic ornaments.  For those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, even the loss of a pet, the holidays can be difficult. Some may be revisiting the loss of a loved one's anniversary or birthday. There is a void at the table where a chair was once filled, only accentuating the loss. We have every intention of embracing the love and joy of the season, but the mind and heart hold contradictory feelings.

Grief does not take the holidays off. So, whatever you are feeling, it's okay. It's okay to laugh and cry in the same sentence. And it's okay to feel the vortex of grief. Grief is not a permanent state of being. It's okay to feel moments of strength and faith and joy. You are not being disloyal to your loved one. There is life after loss. And even though we are surrounded by the love of many family and friends, our bodies still yearn for the loss and remember the pain.

So here's the thing, on December 21st, the Solstice, the shortest day of the year.  Even though it is the first day of winter in the Northern Hemisphere, our spirits start to elevate. It was my brother's favorite day, and he would never let me forget it. Even though the Winter Soltice is the darkest day of the year, the next day the days incrementally become longer. There is hope.

Exercise: Communication & Compromise
Everyone processes grief differently. It's important to create space for your family and friends to choose what works for them. Communication is essential. Discuss and be clear how you will handle the holidays as well as how you will recognize the loss. Be prepared to compromise and work with others to establish a plan. Be patient with the process.

  • Change the tradition.
  •  Buy a potted Christmas tree or one that's ball-and-burlapped and plant it after the holidays in memory of your loved one. (Dig the planting hole in late fall, before the ground freezes.
  • Skip or minimize gifts and holiday decorating.  After a death, material things can seem less meaningful and the mall can seem especially stressful. 
  • Leave an empty chair and place setting at the table. Or invite someone who is alone to fill the spot.
  • Light a candle.  
  • Request a church service in their name.
  • Have a moment of silence, a prayer, or a toast in their memory.
  • Make a donation in their name. 
  • Volunteer and help someone. Do so in your loved one's memory.
  • Visit their gravesite and place a wreath or other symbol of eternal love.
  • Gift some of their possessions to loved ones.


Don't feel trapped. Take your own car to events. 
Don't over commit.
Don't listen to those who tell you what you "should" do.
Don't hang onto perfectionism. 
Don't overindulge in food or alcohol to mask the pain.
Don't spend time with those who cause you stress.


Journal:
Use these prompts to think about your loved one:

  1. I remember when…
  2. The moment I knew you were gone…
  3. My happiest memory of you is…
  4. The greatest lesson I have learned is…





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