From Financial Abuse to Independence




Financial abuse: when one person in the relationship uses money to gain power and control over another person. 

Recently, I sat with a young woman as she unveiled her story. And as she spoke, a familiar wave of nausea rolled over me. The horrid details of her current situation were painfully clear that she was financially ruined. It begged the question, how did this woman allow this person into her life? Well, I know exactly how based on personal experience.

At first, he acted like he was doing me a favor by managing all the finances. He professed to be an excellent financial manager and that it would be much easier to reach our financial goals with one person at the helm. He told me he could squeeze blood from a turnip. He told me to trust him.

Financial abuse is virtually invisible, and it is subtle and gradual. It includes a progression of behavior patterns such as:

Gives you an allowance for basic needs.
Overreacts to simple purchases.
Communicates with strong emotions on the topic of finances.
Hides passwords and denies access to joint bank accounts.
Coerces you to take out lines of credit.
Secretly takes out lines of credit in your name.
Damages your credit by leaving unpaid bills in your name.
Steals personal monetary gifts or inheritance.
Sells your personal property.
Files fraudulent tax returns with your name attached.
Interferes with your employment by showing up and creating a scene, makes frequent texts or phone calls, or sabotages business-related commitments in order to create job loss. This abuse tactic prevents the victim from earning their own money and a sense of independence. It isolates the victim and makes them even more dependent upon their abuser.

Progressively, things went from bad to worse. So why didn’t I leave? Why did I stay longer than I should have? I was living in isolation, and I did not have the resources I needed to leave. This instilled a deep fear of being unable to provide for myself or my children, so I stayed in the relationship and endured. I did not see a way out.

So here’s the thing, no one has ever described me as insecure, weak, or likely to be the victim of a form of domestic violence. In fact, most people would never imagine I would allow someone to repeatedly hurt me physically and emotionally.

Financial abuse is incredibly humiliating, but gaining financial literacy is incredibly liberating. It is better to face the toxic situation head-on than to spend the majority of life trying to recover. I can spend the rest of my days demonizing him, or I can withhold my judgment and know that the changes I have made continually improve my life.

Exercise: Gain Independence

  1. Run a free credit report to gain knowledge of all your debt. CreditKarma
  2. Open your own bank account. Spend less. Live below your means.
  3. Build your credit. Secure credit card.
  4. Consider a credit freeze. It can help protect you from fraud and identity theft. No one can get access to your credit file unless you lift the freeze. 
  5. Put your important documents, birth certificates, passports, social security information, tax forms in a safe place. 
  6. Obtain a Tax Indemnification Agreement.
Ponder this: 
Am I in control of my financial future?
If not, why am I allowing this to happen?
On the flip side, are you controlling and mishandling your partner’s finances?
If so, why do you feel the need to control and destroy someone?

My Life’s Lesson: People will do to you what you allow to happen. You will grow through what you go through.

From the sweetest spot in my heart to yours, may you fully embrace your independence this week.
Audrey xo

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