Can You Hear Me Now?


Given all the listening that we do, you would think we'd be good at it! In fact, most of us are not, and research suggests that we only remember between 25 percent and 50 percent of what we hear. Let’s break that down, when you talk to your boss, colleagues, friends, or partner for 10 minutes, they pay attention to less than half of the conversation. 

If I had to define my greatest grievance, without hesitation, I would say interrupting. Chronic interruption obstructs the flow of free thought. In my opinion, interrupting springs from the desire to be right, to know more, to be the expert. Often I find personal agendas are injected, and the "one issue on the table at a time" rule is abandoned. Sometimes it’s just a case of the excitement to connect and share. It disturbs me more though when I stand guilty of interrupting others. 

There are a few methods I have learned to help combat interrupters. When I am about to give a prolonged presentation or share a long-winded story, I will preface with, “What I’m about to share will take about 10 minutes, so please bear with me because I do want your input when I’m done.” If they continue with blurts of counter-arguments, I respond, ”Hold that thought. I want to get back to that. Let me finish this first.” Conversations among equals who are highly engaged naturally include lots of interruptions. The difference, the flow is not interrupted, and the discussion is enhanced. 

Based on experience, it seems evident that one of my biggest weaknesses is my distractibility. My brain rarely shuts off, and I find myself making metaphors in my mind, constructing connections, and triggering thoughts about several other things, like my home improvement projects or my grocery list. When I find it particularly difficult to concentrate on what someone is saying, I mentally repeat their words for reinforcement. When I choose my seat with the least amount of distractions, I can compartmentalize and create space for the conversation I am engaged in, not the random side conversations. By putting my smartphone away and turning it on silent, I am also able to better give my attention. 

How well we listen has a significant impact on the quality of relationships with others. The explosive popularity of audiobooks is a great place to hone listening skills. From a design standpoint, audiobook producers vary the auditory stimuli through different voices for each character or occasional fluctuations in volume. I appreciate the efforts; however, I have a different perspective on this topic. The concern with these external fixes is that relying on them too much could weaken the internal focus we develop when we are not entertained. My idea builds upon the premise that we may be creating a breeding ground for attention atrophy. Does that make sense to you? 

Exercise:
  1. Find a partner. Choose one to go first. Speak for three minutes on any topic. Tell a story about something that happened to you. Push the limits and pick a taboo topic. 
  2. As the speaker talks, the other person cannot speak. Only listening with no reactions. No head nodding. No affirmative confirmations. Just silence. 
  3. After three minutes, the listener has one minute to recap. No debating, agreeing or disagreeing – only summarizing.
  4. Next, the roles switch and repeat the process.
Then process through these questions:
Did you feel like you were listened to with an open mind? 
What did the body language communicate?
How did you feel about not being able to speak about your own views on the topic? 
How well did you listen with an open mind? 
How well did you summarize the speakers' opinions? 
Can you transfer some of these skills into everyday conversation?

Conversation is more about listening than responding. When we create space for freedom of expression, excellent communication and collaboration break the barriers of the silo mentality. In my observation, taboo topics of conversation: sex, religion, and politics, has created a society in which we cannot have a cultivating, respectful dialogue of differing opinions. Do not avoid difficult conversations and situations; lean into the vulnerability that is necessary. Use innocuous language. I believe everyone can be coached to become an active, engaged listener. So exercise dominion over it by having those tough conversations.

My Life’s Lesson:  
How I make people feel says everything about me. People want to feel seen, heard and understood. I can clearly see both sides of an issue. I make a conscious effort to hear not only the words spoken but also what is left unsaid.

From the sweetest spot in my heart to yours, I am sending peace and love to you and to those whom you engage in conversation.

~ Audrey 

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